The Caller (2011)
So some shipwreck has moved into a new place alone because she’s going through a divorce and she starts receiving some trippy phone calls off some demented old bint looking for her boyfriend or whatever.
She has an abusive ex who keeps somehow getting over to her house without the police realizing or her telling them despite the fact she has a restraining order out against him. So crazy husband she’s trying to divorce and some batty old woman trying to befriend her over the phone - how about disconnect the phone and change the locks?!
In all seriousness I actually really did enjoy this film, it managed to create a creepy scenario without being cheesy or pretentious. I don’t want to give away spoilers for this but it was refreshing to see a recent horror film which hasn’t just hacked off something else or solely relies on hacking off limbs in a grotesque fashion to make its mark on the target audience. It’s probably not going to stick in my head for more than a few hours but it’s a decent flick. I don’t feel passionately to rant or rave about it though.

5/10

The Caller (2011)

So some shipwreck has moved into a new place alone because she’s going through a divorce and she starts receiving some trippy phone calls off some demented old bint looking for her boyfriend or whatever.

She has an abusive ex who keeps somehow getting over to her house without the police realizing or her telling them despite the fact she has a restraining order out against him. So crazy husband she’s trying to divorce and some batty old woman trying to befriend her over the phone - how about disconnect the phone and change the locks?!

In all seriousness I actually really did enjoy this film, it managed to create a creepy scenario without being cheesy or pretentious. I don’t want to give away spoilers for this but it was refreshing to see a recent horror film which hasn’t just hacked off something else or solely relies on hacking off limbs in a grotesque fashion to make its mark on the target audience. It’s probably not going to stick in my head for more than a few hours but it’s a decent flick. I don’t feel passionately to rant or rave about it though.

5/10

The Den (2013)
So, modern idea with the whole chat roulette concept thing but it’s a bit like that other piece of shit Smiley which the main actress is also in. Don’t even get me started on that.
So she’s doing some project documenting these conversations with creeps and she comes across some girl with a creepy ass photo and no webcam but she’s all like hey yeah let’s be friends. She has time for this girl who is of little words but absolutely none for the chap who asked her to get her titties out. Don’t ask, don’t get so give the lad some credit.
I spent the entire film bored waiting for it to end because I could tell there were going to be no exciting plot twists and a lot of cheap jumps from men with bags on their heads creeping out. Wow what a new and exciting idea. YAWN. 
Also if you were being chased by men with machetes and whatnot hy the fuck would you be running around still recording that shit? Drop the phone and find a weapon or just get your tits out because I’ve probably fallen asleep at this tragedy of an ending.

3/10

The Den (2013)

So, modern idea with the whole chat roulette concept thing but it’s a bit like that other piece of shit Smiley which the main actress is also in. Don’t even get me started on that.

So she’s doing some project documenting these conversations with creeps and she comes across some girl with a creepy ass photo and no webcam but she’s all like hey yeah let’s be friends. She has time for this girl who is of little words but absolutely none for the chap who asked her to get her titties out. Don’t ask, don’t get so give the lad some credit.

I spent the entire film bored waiting for it to end because I could tell there were going to be no exciting plot twists and a lot of cheap jumps from men with bags on their heads creeping out. Wow what a new and exciting idea. YAWN. 

Also if you were being chased by men with machetes and whatnot hy the fuck would you be running around still recording that shit? Drop the phone and find a weapon or just get your tits out because I’ve probably fallen asleep at this tragedy of an ending.

3/10

The Ward (2010)
I found myself rolling my eyes in the first 10 minutes when Kristen rocks up at a mental institution and all of the people residing in there look like they’ve just rocked up off America’s Next Top Model. So, realistic that everyone in there would have perfect hair and makeup every day, some don’t even forget the lipgloss!
Kristen at one point manages to rob a sharp weapon in her Docs office from right before his eyes, because that’s really going to happen isn’t it? Apparently though even though she can easily acquire weapons it appears a hairbrush was a little too difficult to come by judging by the state on her mop.
It’s a bit like Butlins in there, not often you see the guards around. She’s also so desperate to get out she tells her Doc about the ghostlie lady that’s been following her around and trying to kill her on the sly. Fabulous theory to get out of there, I’d maybe have kept those thoughts on the downlow personally in case people thought I was even more mental.
Houdini can get out of a straight jacket in around 2 mins flat as well which was even more impressive. Seriously this came from the director of Halloween? The twist was obvious as fuck throughout the entire thing and it was all just the usual standard thrills and scares which every other generic blockbuster churns out.
The last scenes her face is a car wreck and in 3 days give or take there’s barely a mark there also. I rest my case. 
SWERVE.
3.5/10

The Ward (2010)

I found myself rolling my eyes in the first 10 minutes when Kristen rocks up at a mental institution and all of the people residing in there look like they’ve just rocked up off America’s Next Top Model. So, realistic that everyone in there would have perfect hair and makeup every day, some don’t even forget the lipgloss!

Kristen at one point manages to rob a sharp weapon in her Docs office from right before his eyes, because that’s really going to happen isn’t it? Apparently though even though she can easily acquire weapons it appears a hairbrush was a little too difficult to come by judging by the state on her mop.

It’s a bit like Butlins in there, not often you see the guards around. She’s also so desperate to get out she tells her Doc about the ghostlie lady that’s been following her around and trying to kill her on the sly. Fabulous theory to get out of there, I’d maybe have kept those thoughts on the downlow personally in case people thought I was even more mental.

Houdini can get out of a straight jacket in around 2 mins flat as well which was even more impressive. Seriously this came from the director of Halloween? The twist was obvious as fuck throughout the entire thing and it was all just the usual standard thrills and scares which every other generic blockbuster churns out.

The last scenes her face is a car wreck and in 3 days give or take there’s barely a mark there also. I rest my case. 

SWERVE.

3.5/10

Haunt (2013)
First scare of the movie was a shadow moving across a doorway, shock fucking horror. Must horror keep using this concept for a cheap jump? I could not cope with the cheesy narrative at the beginning “so you want to hear a ghost story?” - no I want to watch the damn film so shut the fuck up you old bag.
The music was very hospital drama television show but I will say the cinematography was absolutely fantastic. This film does contain some absolutely gorgeous shots it’s just a shame the movie itself was a bit well, shite.
How insensitive was our young Romeo saying to the Mother of 3 deceased children “right where you left him” in reference to a portrait of her son she had left in the attic, where he was killed. Shame on you. Woman with child also just plonked her offspring on the passanger seat, not even in a childseat. Worrying if you ask me.
An hour passes and you get some shit popping up and jumping out at you and you really get it driven into your skull that Sam has issues and a back story and is not willing to talk about that shit. Did I say an hour passes and all that happens is stuff jumping out? Oh make than an hour and a half only you see more of the lady ghost who needs to have a good shave.
As for loves young dream I highly doubt anyone would be that calm about some girl you’ve met once breaking into your house and getting into bed with you. Not even if she arrived naked with a pizza. Still weird.
I also disliked intensely that the copied the opening credits bit of Insidious at the end.
Blah blah blah.
4/10 

Haunt (2013)

First scare of the movie was a shadow moving across a doorway, shock fucking horror. Must horror keep using this concept for a cheap jump? I could not cope with the cheesy narrative at the beginning “so you want to hear a ghost story?” - no I want to watch the damn film so shut the fuck up you old bag.

The music was very hospital drama television show but I will say the cinematography was absolutely fantastic. This film does contain some absolutely gorgeous shots it’s just a shame the movie itself was a bit well, shite.

How insensitive was our young Romeo saying to the Mother of 3 deceased children “right where you left him” in reference to a portrait of her son she had left in the attic, where he was killed. Shame on you. Woman with child also just plonked her offspring on the passanger seat, not even in a childseat. Worrying if you ask me.

An hour passes and you get some shit popping up and jumping out at you and you really get it driven into your skull that Sam has issues and a back story and is not willing to talk about that shit. Did I say an hour passes and all that happens is stuff jumping out? Oh make than an hour and a half only you see more of the lady ghost who needs to have a good shave.

As for loves young dream I highly doubt anyone would be that calm about some girl you’ve met once breaking into your house and getting into bed with you. Not even if she arrived naked with a pizza. Still weird.

I also disliked intensely that the copied the opening credits bit of Insidious at the end.

Blah blah blah.

4/10