The Ward (2010)
I found myself rolling my eyes in the first 10 minutes when Kristen rocks up at a mental institution and all of the people residing in there look like they’ve just rocked up off America’s Next Top Model. So, realistic that everyone in there would have perfect hair and makeup every day, some don’t even forget the lipgloss!
Kristen at one point manages to rob a sharp weapon in her Docs office from right before his eyes, because that’s really going to happen isn’t it? Apparently though even though she can easily acquire weapons it appears a hairbrush was a little too difficult to come by judging by the state on her mop.
It’s a bit like Butlins in there, not often you see the guards around. She’s also so desperate to get out she tells her Doc about the ghostlie lady that’s been following her around and trying to kill her on the sly. Fabulous theory to get out of there, I’d maybe have kept those thoughts on the downlow personally in case people thought I was even more mental.
Houdini can get out of a straight jacket in around 2 mins flat as well which was even more impressive. Seriously this came from the director of Halloween? The twist was obvious as fuck throughout the entire thing and it was all just the usual standard thrills and scares which every other generic blockbuster churns out.
The last scenes her face is a car wreck and in 3 days give or take there’s barely a mark there also. I rest my case.
irreversible is still to be reviewed upon request.
Any others for today?
First scare of the movie was a shadow moving across a doorway, shock fucking horror. Must horror keep using this concept for a cheap jump? I could not cope with the cheesy narrative at the beginning “so you want to hear a ghost story?” - no I want to watch the damn film so shut the fuck up you old bag.
The music was very hospital drama television show but I will say the cinematography was absolutely fantastic. This film does contain some absolutely gorgeous shots it’s just a shame the movie itself was a bit well, shite.
How insensitive was our young Romeo saying to the Mother of 3 deceased children “right where you left him” in reference to a portrait of her son she had left in the attic, where he was killed. Shame on you. Woman with child also just plonked her offspring on the passanger seat, not even in a childseat. Worrying if you ask me.
An hour passes and you get some shit popping up and jumping out at you and you really get it driven into your skull that Sam has issues and a back story and is not willing to talk about that shit. Did I say an hour passes and all that happens is stuff jumping out? Oh make than an hour and a half only you see more of the lady ghost who needs to have a good shave.
As for loves young dream I highly doubt anyone would be that calm about some girl you’ve met once breaking into your house and getting into bed with you. Not even if she arrived naked with a pizza. Still weird.
I also disliked intensely that the copied the opening credits bit of Insidious at the end.
Blah blah blah.
Truth or Dare (2012)
A group of egotistical bullies picking on some dude, well we really do have a great bunch of fuckwits here. Lets face it we instantly know they’re going to served a shovel of karma and also know we will not give a fuck about it.
The most irritating girl who is a massive slut seduces her boyfriend with some very smooth lines such as “lets do it dirty.”, ok love I’ll just go and drown you in the puddle of mud outside you silly tart. I wish that had happened instead.
So as the title suggests, this film shockingly involves a game of truth or dare as a plot of revenge by the bullied lads older brother. It does invoke a lot of suspense and there are some good twists in the movie. I found it a bit painful that the “sweet and innocent angel” was conveniently dressed in white I also have to add. Wearing white doesn’t bring back your virginity darling.
It’s alright, I mean I wouldn’t shout from the rooftops about it but it’s fairly interesting and the fact that most of it’s set in one room I was pretty impressed by due to the constant levels of varying suspense achieved. However the fact that they’re there for bullying someone and are all incredibly easy to dislike was a massive downfall because I didn’t experience any sympathy whatsoever for the arseholes.
The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
I actually fucking love this as a horror movie, some parts are just simply painful to watch. If you’ve seen this then I’m sure you know what I’m on about.
Family vacation and they take a detour through a very desolate area with nobody in sight which I personally would call a dick move. A mother with a newborn baby surely would not be taking her child out in the middle of the desert when there are numerous massive risks?! The mutants in the hills are sadistic little fucks, the caravan scenes actually made me cringe a bit and want to look away which happens not very often. You don’t see a great deal but it’s all in the mind and the atmosphere is tense as fuck.
I don’t know why the nasty mountain man had to bite off the birds head, bit unnecessary like but if that’s what you’re into. It’s just the biggest family vacation disaster, I mean guys you couldn’t have really had a worse holiday could you?!
I felt fuck all empathy for the creatures in the mountains despite knowing why they had ended up that way. This film is just brutal and you spend the entire film thinking fuck me what’re these people going to go through next.
Not gonna lie I would just probably have not went to the weird little garage and not taken that shortcut. Or maybe have packed some sort of weapon in preparation of an attack by various crazies residing in the mountains around me.
Wolf Creek 2 (2013)
I did start off watching this with an incredibly dubious mind because I normally hate sequels but this one has actually had some very decent reviews. I have to say straight off, I wasn’t that impressed.
Plenty of blood and guts to amuse you gore lovers and I like the fact that they’ve combined elements of two true stories into this movie to give an extra chill factor. Mick Taylor is a fantastic villain and he plays up to the part well but as with the first Wolf Creek, I found the other characters quite frankly, fucking annoying.
I think the film lacked a lot in terms of depth, it was just kill, kill and torture where they could’ve involved a lot more psychologically to really give this film more of the wow factor. I don’t blame the British dude one little bit for accepting the drink off Mick like, I think I’d be in the need of some rum sat opposite that crazy fucker. However he’s sat there twining about which hand a finger is cut off instead of maybe being slightly more concerned about the fact that he is most definitely going to be slowly tortured and his little pinkys are just the beginning of it.
I don’t see the relevance of his girlfriend phoning him in the truck, at all. I just found this all to be a bit gore reliant. It was nowhere near as uncomfortable to watch as the first and I felt that something was really missing with this.
However - not a bad job to a sequel. However if I ever get kidnapped whilst backpacking I don’t think I’ll take inspiration from this movie and sing jolly songs to my potential killer. Oh the English.
Black Rock (2012)
I didn’t think this would be cracked up to much and I was completely right, the plot had absolutely no depth and was pretty abysmally written. We start off the movie with a very tasteless scene where one of the 3 dull as dishwater trio declares she has cancer so the other two kiss and make up and don’t take a bitchfit abandoning holiday plans. But oh no WAIT she was only joking! What a hilarious joke to make.
Then the bright sparks invite 3 nice young men who had just scared the shit out of them by creeping up out of the trees on them and decide, hey we don’t know you guys but lets get fucking smashed on this island together even though you may be psychopaths. Wait, you don’t think? Wouldn’t that be a twist if these guys turned out to be nutjobs?! The mental depth of this has really thrown me off guard at this point.
The drunkest of the witty lasses invites a guy over as she’s pissing, classy bird, after so much flirting. He comes onto her and she’s like no thank you then bashes his head with a rock. His friends go to logical conclusion of KILL THESE BITCHES. Not, lets get this girl to jail or something more rational.
Then pretty sure you can guess the rest.
Also why do the two girls who apparently hate eachother have the same haircut?!