The Innkeepers (2011)
Wow. 
After seeing this I can say with confidence someone could make a 10x better horror movie after shotting a litre of absinthe through each eyeball whilst hosting a gangbang.
The trailer looks mint, fabulous location but then you see the budget for this atrocity was $750,000 and the gross return was $77, 000. Very obvious as to why noone spent their money on this, dull as fucking dishwater. The attempted jump scenes are cheap and the suspense was lacking. I literally have felt more suspense waking up after a heavy night out and checking my Facebook to see damage caused.
The characters are just fucking annoying, that girl needs to get a day job because she cannot act to save her life. It was SO obvious the guy was talking shit as well because he couldn’t give a fuck about the ghosthunt the entire way through which couldn’t have been more painfully obvious. The ultra famous healer who goes from icy cow to her best pal in 30 seconds? Yeah right. The guy who is pitifully in love with annoying bitch just runs out on her after they make contact for the first time? YEAH RIGHT. 
How would I sum this film up in one word? Pointless.

The Innkeepers (2011)

Wow. 

After seeing this I can say with confidence someone could make a 10x better horror movie after shotting a litre of absinthe through each eyeball whilst hosting a gangbang.

The trailer looks mint, fabulous location but then you see the budget for this atrocity was $750,000 and the gross return was $77, 000. Very obvious as to why noone spent their money on this, dull as fucking dishwater. The attempted jump scenes are cheap and the suspense was lacking. I literally have felt more suspense waking up after a heavy night out and checking my Facebook to see damage caused.

The characters are just fucking annoying, that girl needs to get a day job because she cannot act to save her life. It was SO obvious the guy was talking shit as well because he couldn’t give a fuck about the ghosthunt the entire way through which couldn’t have been more painfully obvious. The ultra famous healer who goes from icy cow to her best pal in 30 seconds? Yeah right. The guy who is pitifully in love with annoying bitch just runs out on her after they make contact for the first time? YEAH RIGHT. 

How would I sum this film up in one word? Pointless.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

Well, when I start off by saying how furious I am about watching this piece of shit and wasting 100 minutes of my life you know I haven’t had a mental orgasm at this piece of trash.
It appears the directors just thought fuck it, we’ve made 4 and they’re still making money so lets just put fuck all effort or imagination into this one and hope everyone appears at the cinema off their faces and don’t notice.
IT’S PISSED ME OFF WITH ITS SHITNESS.
Like, there’s always a little old lady trying to cleanse something or someone and everyone’s always like no, do one. There’s always some dumb bitch who just runs around the action squealing and there’s always some blast from the past which adds fuck all to anything except making yet another stupid sequel possible.
Stop with Paranormal Activity now, I beg you. 

1/10

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

Well, when I start off by saying how furious I am about watching this piece of shit and wasting 100 minutes of my life you know I haven’t had a mental orgasm at this piece of trash.

It appears the directors just thought fuck it, we’ve made 4 and they’re still making money so lets just put fuck all effort or imagination into this one and hope everyone appears at the cinema off their faces and don’t notice.

IT’S PISSED ME OFF WITH ITS SHITNESS.

Like, there’s always a little old lady trying to cleanse something or someone and everyone’s always like no, do one. There’s always some dumb bitch who just runs around the action squealing and there’s always some blast from the past which adds fuck all to anything except making yet another stupid sequel possible.

Stop with Paranormal Activity now, I beg you. 

1/10

Mum and Dad (2008)
I think this movie is massively underrated as a horror film of this generation. It manages to do torture but not as one of the hostel etc torture porn variety crap which completely revolves around trying to sicken people.
I’m sorry but the scene where there is cum dripping out of an internal organ literally made me want to die off, how would that even feel good? 
I really want this film to be more recognised because it really is fucking good. Birdy is hateable from the beginning and you really despise her as soon as the film sets into the whole sordid Mum and Dad’s house bit. Sorry but that mp3 you stole was worth about a tenner as well why did the family buzz off that so much, could’ve at least been an iPhone.
The brutal scenes made me feel uncomfortable, you could genuinely sense the pain because of how prolonged it was even though nothing was really that graphic or gory. It really makes you cringe when you see “angel” being punished by Dad, especially the suitcase scene. However I don’t see how she was so physically agile after that happening to her. 
I loved the cut shots of the planes flying over when a new day happened because it showed how close that depravity was happening to a main airport and nobody had a fucking clue what was going on.
If you want to watch something that will sicken and intrigue you then you should definitely give this a look, it’s got a thumbs up from me.
8/10

Mum and Dad (2008)

I think this movie is massively underrated as a horror film of this generation. It manages to do torture but not as one of the hostel etc torture porn variety crap which completely revolves around trying to sicken people.

I’m sorry but the scene where there is cum dripping out of an internal organ literally made me want to die off, how would that even feel good? 

I really want this film to be more recognised because it really is fucking good. Birdy is hateable from the beginning and you really despise her as soon as the film sets into the whole sordid Mum and Dad’s house bit. Sorry but that mp3 you stole was worth about a tenner as well why did the family buzz off that so much, could’ve at least been an iPhone.

The brutal scenes made me feel uncomfortable, you could genuinely sense the pain because of how prolonged it was even though nothing was really that graphic or gory. It really makes you cringe when you see “angel” being punished by Dad, especially the suitcase scene. However I don’t see how she was so physically agile after that happening to her. 

I loved the cut shots of the planes flying over when a new day happened because it showed how close that depravity was happening to a main airport and nobody had a fucking clue what was going on.

If you want to watch something that will sicken and intrigue you then you should definitely give this a look, it’s got a thumbs up from me.

8/10

The Roommate (2011)
This an example of how “horror” has really gone down the shitter. Obviously from the title, there’s something wrong with her roommate and you assume oh I wonder if she’s a crazy stalker type? You’re right. The title is literally the giveaway of the entire movie and there is fuck attempt to add any substance into this.
It’s pissed me off how she found out her roommate was on anti psychotics and just freaked out, no wonder people associate mental illness with violent behaviour when someone who suffers from it is depicted as a crazy, viscous stalker on the big screen. Really Hollywood?!
I don’t give a fuck about spoilers in this review because after reading this you’ll hopefully think nah fuck that and go watch the better version of this film - Swimfan. Right so her creepy roommate also goes and get into bed with Sarah’s ex boyfriend, how would he not know even in the dark that it’s a different person. SERIOUSLY. Unless you’ve fucked ‘em and chucked ‘em I’m pretty sure you could tell the difference between two girls by their bodies. 

1/10

The Roommate (2011)

This an example of how “horror” has really gone down the shitter. Obviously from the title, there’s something wrong with her roommate and you assume oh I wonder if she’s a crazy stalker type? You’re right. The title is literally the giveaway of the entire movie and there is fuck attempt to add any substance into this.

It’s pissed me off how she found out her roommate was on anti psychotics and just freaked out, no wonder people associate mental illness with violent behaviour when someone who suffers from it is depicted as a crazy, viscous stalker on the big screen. Really Hollywood?!

I don’t give a fuck about spoilers in this review because after reading this you’ll hopefully think nah fuck that and go watch the better version of this film - Swimfan. Right so her creepy roommate also goes and get into bed with Sarah’s ex boyfriend, how would he not know even in the dark that it’s a different person. SERIOUSLY. Unless you’ve fucked ‘em and chucked ‘em I’m pretty sure you could tell the difference between two girls by their bodies. 

1/10

Interview with the Vampire (1994)
"So you want me to tell you the story of my life."
My favourite vampire movie in the world. Blade etc have shit on this. 
Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise are perfect for the roles and Kirsten Dunst has Claudia down to a t. I feel like this film was a brilliant adaptation of the book and it did it a lot of justice. The soundtrack is so seductive and inviting which is exactly what a vampire is supposed to be like to a mortal soul. 
It’s dark and every character has enough screentime for the viewer to really get a grasp of them, even the ones which don’t hog the screen for more than a few scenes throughout the film. I find this to be an achievement cause some films can’t make their main characters have any depth after around 2 fucking hours. There seemed to have been a lot of women around those times also who liked to get their legs open pretty quickly, probably why I felt no sympathy for them when they started being drained by either of the two gorgeous lead characters.
Vampires are my favourite when it comes to horror, maybe it’s the fangs which I looooove in this, not too over the top. I love how the vampires in this also dismiss the superstitions of crucifixes and the usual anti vampire shite because it makes Louis and Lestat feel more like part of the human world, just like us. Especially when he’s sat in a room in the middle of the city doing an interview about his life as a vampire with no fucks given.
If you love vampires and haven’t seen this movie then you are a twat.

10/10

Interview with the Vampire (1994)

"So you want me to tell you the story of my life."

My favourite vampire movie in the world. Blade etc have shit on this. 

Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise are perfect for the roles and Kirsten Dunst has Claudia down to a t. I feel like this film was a brilliant adaptation of the book and it did it a lot of justice. The soundtrack is so seductive and inviting which is exactly what a vampire is supposed to be like to a mortal soul. 

It’s dark and every character has enough screentime for the viewer to really get a grasp of them, even the ones which don’t hog the screen for more than a few scenes throughout the film. I find this to be an achievement cause some films can’t make their main characters have any depth after around 2 fucking hours. There seemed to have been a lot of women around those times also who liked to get their legs open pretty quickly, probably why I felt no sympathy for them when they started being drained by either of the two gorgeous lead characters.

Vampires are my favourite when it comes to horror, maybe it’s the fangs which I looooove in this, not too over the top. I love how the vampires in this also dismiss the superstitions of crucifixes and the usual anti vampire shite because it makes Louis and Lestat feel more like part of the human world, just like us. Especially when he’s sat in a room in the middle of the city doing an interview about his life as a vampire with no fucks given.

If you love vampires and haven’t seen this movie then you are a twat.

10/10

You’re Next (2011)
I found this being suggested to me a lot so I thought it might be a hidden gem beneath the bog standard plot line but it ended up being, shock horror, a bog standard plotline as expected.
Oh a load of people in a house in the middle of nowhere with only one neighbour, what on earth could possibly go wrong here? It started off pretty quickly which was kinda exciting for around 10 minutes but did anybody else guess the plot twist in around 15 minutes flat? 
Unimaginative, boring shit that I am sick to the back teeth of watching. It’s just added a load of bloodshed to try and distract the viewers from the fact they’ve probably already seen this film around 5 times under a different name.
Get some fucking originality and stop relying on gore.

3/10

You’re Next (2011)

I found this being suggested to me a lot so I thought it might be a hidden gem beneath the bog standard plot line but it ended up being, shock horror, a bog standard plotline as expected.

Oh a load of people in a house in the middle of nowhere with only one neighbour, what on earth could possibly go wrong here? It started off pretty quickly which was kinda exciting for around 10 minutes but did anybody else guess the plot twist in around 15 minutes flat? 

Unimaginative, boring shit that I am sick to the back teeth of watching. It’s just added a load of bloodshed to try and distract the viewers from the fact they’ve probably already seen this film around 5 times under a different name.

Get some fucking originality and stop relying on gore.

3/10

The Seasoning House (2012)
Don’t watch this if you’re looking for something light and breezy to watch because this is raw and brutality at its finest. 
Rosie Day is a deaf mute and I think to deliver a performance like this with no use of words is fucking incredible. She doesn’t need to speak because her emotions are clearly conveyed through her face throughout the entire film.
You really need to see this to understand how powerful it is, the tension just amounts up the entire time and it doesn’t allow any room for a breather. There was one point where I really thought I was going to have to fast forwards a bit which is very, very rare for me but it was getting really difficult to sit through. It’s shot beautifully, it’s definitely left its mark on me after the ending credits anyways.
I would also like to kick those military dickheads all in the balls, several times. Wankers.

9/10

The Seasoning House (2012)

Don’t watch this if you’re looking for something light and breezy to watch because this is raw and brutality at its finest. 

Rosie Day is a deaf mute and I think to deliver a performance like this with no use of words is fucking incredible. She doesn’t need to speak because her emotions are clearly conveyed through her face throughout the entire film.

You really need to see this to understand how powerful it is, the tension just amounts up the entire time and it doesn’t allow any room for a breather. There was one point where I really thought I was going to have to fast forwards a bit which is very, very rare for me but it was getting really difficult to sit through. It’s shot beautifully, it’s definitely left its mark on me after the ending credits anyways.

I would also like to kick those military dickheads all in the balls, several times. Wankers.

9/10

The Blair Witch Project (1999)
If you thought this movie was boring or overrated you can go to hell.
For a really low budget movie it’s absolutely fucking brilliant. The way you never see the actual blair witch but know she’s stalking them deeper into the woods creates such a suspenseful atmosphere, I’m surprised none of them literally shat their pants. 
I love the back story, the footage of the interviews around the town and how convincing their “oh fuck we’re lost and this shit is all true” acting really was. You feel for them, you know they’re never going to get out of the woods especially because that fat prick threw away their map and you’re just waiting around for when you’re going to see the blair witch or what she’s going to do next. 
The ending. Fucking hell it’s one of the best endings in a horror movie I’ve seen because you see fuck all apart from Mike standing in a corner and it still absolutely terrifies you. It’s all in the mind.

9/10

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

If you thought this movie was boring or overrated you can go to hell.

For a really low budget movie it’s absolutely fucking brilliant. The way you never see the actual blair witch but know she’s stalking them deeper into the woods creates such a suspenseful atmosphere, I’m surprised none of them literally shat their pants. 

I love the back story, the footage of the interviews around the town and how convincing their “oh fuck we’re lost and this shit is all true” acting really was. You feel for them, you know they’re never going to get out of the woods especially because that fat prick threw away their map and you’re just waiting around for when you’re going to see the blair witch or what she’s going to do next. 

The ending. Fucking hell it’s one of the best endings in a horror movie I’ve seen because you see fuck all apart from Mike standing in a corner and it still absolutely terrifies you. It’s all in the mind.

9/10

Shutter (2004) 
This film is a fantastic example of everything a good horror should be. I was so impressed, even on a tiny laptop scream this film definitely has the capability to make you jump. 
It’s really hard not to contain spoilers but the woman in the photos is a right creepy bitch, alive and dead. Her Mum was what disturbed me the most though, nobody really seemed that alarmed that she was keeping her daughters corpse up in her room?! Obviously that’s the kind of standard shit that must happen.
This is one of the best foreign horrors I’ve seen and if you’re looking for something that is actually going to scare you then go for this but please not in the direction of the shitty remake.
THERE WAS NO NEED TO REMAKE THIS, FUCK OFF HOLLYWOOD. *and breathe*
That guy is a right cheeky twat in the photo store as well asking if the girlfriend had put on weight, freaky ghost lady trying to kill my boyfriend or not I’d have been fuming!

8/10

Shutter (2004) 

This film is a fantastic example of everything a good horror should be. I was so impressed, even on a tiny laptop scream this film definitely has the capability to make you jump. 

It’s really hard not to contain spoilers but the woman in the photos is a right creepy bitch, alive and dead. Her Mum was what disturbed me the most though, nobody really seemed that alarmed that she was keeping her daughters corpse up in her room?! Obviously that’s the kind of standard shit that must happen.

This is one of the best foreign horrors I’ve seen and if you’re looking for something that is actually going to scare you then go for this but please not in the direction of the shitty remake.

THERE WAS NO NEED TO REMAKE THIS, FUCK OFF HOLLYWOOD. *and breathe*

That guy is a right cheeky twat in the photo store as well asking if the girlfriend had put on weight, freaky ghost lady trying to kill my boyfriend or not I’d have been fuming!

8/10